Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Dec 19, 2005 13:40:03 GMT -5
Great stuff!
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Kain
Monarch of Nosgoth
Patriarch Vampire
Posts: 1,226
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Post by Kain on Dec 19, 2005 14:11:19 GMT -5
Hehe that is very funny stuff.
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Post by Rude on Dec 19, 2005 22:48:41 GMT -5
those police quotes are classics!
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Post by uriel on Dec 28, 2005 15:46:59 GMT -5
I am back !!! Since is Christmas season, I picked you a nice "present". I hope you laugh and I also hope you're not too tired to read.
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep. The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT D**N THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR Arse!!
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Dec 29, 2005 0:37:53 GMT -5
That's great!
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Dec 29, 2005 0:43:11 GMT -5
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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Post by uriel on Dec 29, 2005 1:42:58 GMT -5
Thanks for the nice joke. When being in a bad mood that's all I need to hear- a funny joke that makes me roll on the floor ;D . Let me post some more...
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Post by uriel on Dec 29, 2005 2:04:46 GMT -5
Prison Or Work
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet. AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
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Post by Arkhon Arkhozh on Dec 29, 2005 2:14:00 GMT -5
That is very true.
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Post by fenris on Dec 29, 2005 2:43:19 GMT -5
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
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Post by Arkhon Arkhozh on Dec 29, 2005 3:05:42 GMT -5
That is kind of funny.
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Kain
Monarch of Nosgoth
Patriarch Vampire
Posts: 1,226
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Post by Kain on Dec 29, 2005 13:58:46 GMT -5
Hehe that's some funny stuff.
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Dec 30, 2005 0:59:34 GMT -5
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."
The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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Post by uriel on Dec 30, 2005 2:06:35 GMT -5
Hehe ;D Good job. That last one really made me laugh. I have some original and funny quotes for you, guys.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. Mike Tyson
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Bill Maher
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonnette
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. Dennis Miller
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. Leslie Nielsen
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Post by uriel on Jan 4, 2006 0:44:42 GMT -5
Crazy English
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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