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Post by Rude on Apr 21, 2006 21:54:50 GMT -5
that one is really good!
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Post by uriel on Sept 15, 2006 10:18:37 GMT -5
Kain, I have to send this to Daniel as well... I hope he has a good sense of humor or..., should I look for another job already? How to Please Your I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
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Post by uriel on Sept 15, 2006 11:21:47 GMT -5
Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
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Post by uriel on Sept 15, 2006 11:30:11 GMT -5
Irish girl confesses sins
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
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Post by uriel on Sept 15, 2006 11:41:59 GMT -5
Don't say this to a cop The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Post by uriel on Sept 15, 2006 12:01:59 GMT -5
Oh, wait when you marry, if you still have the desire to...!!!
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Kain
Monarch of Nosgoth
Patriarch Vampire
Posts: 1,226
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Post by Kain on Sept 15, 2006 12:20:38 GMT -5
Very funny. That cop one is being sent to my uncle who just happens to be a cop, and the IT ones to the many IT nerds I know.
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Post by uriel on Sept 17, 2006 3:14:41 GMT -5
"My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last... Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off... She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!""
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Kain
Monarch of Nosgoth
Patriarch Vampire
Posts: 1,226
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Post by Kain on Sept 18, 2006 10:25:20 GMT -5
haha very nice. I need some jokes in my life right now.
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Sept 18, 2006 11:54:43 GMT -5
Okay, this one's kinda dirty, so if anybody is easily offended by that kinda thing they shouldn't read it:
Boudreaux goes to las vegas and wins the grand jackpot.. he checks into the penthouse suite and calls the front desk "yes i would like one of those hookers i hear is legal round here" the conceierge replies "we will have one sent right up" 20 min later there is a knock at the door and the hooker enters.. he says "i dont know how this works so you'll have to tell me" she replies "well i give the best hand jobs in las vegas they go for a thousand dollars" "A THOUSAND DOLLARS???" she replies"come to this window.. you see that gas station down there? i bought that with my handjob money" he figures well it must be worth it so gives it a shot " well me sha that is the best hand job i have ever had what else do you have to offer?" "Well i give the best blow jobs in nevada but they are 5 thousand dollars" he halfway chokes and replies "5 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?! You have to be joking" She askes him to come back to the window and points "you see those two hotels over there? i bought that with my blowjob money" he replies "well those are two fine hotels i think i am going to have to try that out" she gives him the bj and collects her 6 grand and grabs her coat to leave as he jumps up from his chair "Wait wait... that was the best bj i have ever had i want more!! What about that girl thingy.. how much would that cost me i'll pay anything" she turns and says "boy, if i had a girl thingy i would own all of las vegas!!!!!!"
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Sept 18, 2006 11:56:12 GMT -5
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Sept 18, 2006 11:57:52 GMT -5
A mother and her five year old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attendant "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
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Reno
Deity
I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks...
Posts: 1,853
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Post by Reno on Sept 18, 2006 11:58:56 GMT -5
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
”I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any” ”But I always buy it here,” says the blonde “Do you have the container that it came in?” asks the pharmacist..
”YES”, said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.” She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
”This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
”TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM”
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Kain
Monarch of Nosgoth
Patriarch Vampire
Posts: 1,226
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Post by Kain on Sept 19, 2006 12:18:41 GMT -5
Great stuff
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